Rabu, 21 Julai 2010

tak boleh, tak dapat. bukan tak nak, tak hingin.


everything i need. and more. this is it. but..
gua da agak da. sebulan dua tak sedap ati. ni la yang jadik.

gua pegi ukm sendiri. ulang alik ngan abang am. for 2 bulan lebeh struggling macam orang gile. sampai naek boring jumpe encik nozali kat bpp tu. sampai nk jumpe kiftiah jumpe ketua penolong pendaftar lagik. mini transkrip, surat2 tulis sendirik, muet amek cepat 10 ari dari tarikh result kuwa, surat sah tamat blaja, siap jumpe pengetua skolah, mintak sokongan YB lagik, mintak tolong org dalam sume.. maen care elok, care kotor sume da.. ape lagi nak..

en nozali kate "anda telebih layak". oh really? i knew that. ok ukm DA KASI GREENLIGHT. konfem la masok 2nd intake. siap kasi briefing la sume sakan. gua pon ngan penoh semangat bekobar, yes, this is all i ever wanted, more than everything i've ever chased in my life. i think this is the time. but i was totally wrong... i always thought wrong. always. ade orang lagi layak dari gua, bak pertimbangan KPT.

en nozali suro tunggu upu yang kuwakan result akhir, means, tawaran mutlak. KPT yang buat result akhir ttibe cakap, well, this is the result. SUKACITANYE, anda tak bejaya. yeah. i got twisted. gua tak realize kpt yang pegang final result, blinded by those greenlight luminescence, hope, and excitement yang UKM kasi. i was wrong. totally wrong.

jatoh melepek jap. jantong did slow down, and stop beating for awhile. minda kosong. sedih sangat. begenang da air mate. tahap putus asa "yes, God hates me. like, ALOT". fikir bukan2. suicidal, xde future, banyak buang mase, nyusahkan mak bapak. yes, makan free nyusahkan mak bapak. i should av a permanent job long long time ago. yes, syaitan menguasai kejap. gua lemah. so gua despair.

orang laen sume sambong blaja.. gua je stranded doing like, NOTHING kat umah. gua nak blaja. nak sangat2. it means everythin for me. its my heaven on earth. but it seems like i haven't found my heaven on earth jugak. i am a failure. for now.

kpade kawan2, goodluck la sambong blaja. gua tau gua smangat cakap da dapat ukm. forensic course gitew. bekobar2 kecoh kat sume orang gua dapat. tapi at last tak dapat pon. xpela. lu orang continue la lu orang punye fight. gua punye perhaps, da end kat sini saje. tak dapat peluang. bukan takmau. tak dapat. gua rindu korang. gua even ENVY ngan korang gile2 sbenanye. xpelah. ade jodoh, jumpe la eh.

yang nak cakap blakang "tu laaaaa nazarul blagak tak hengat!" or "tu laaaaa smangat sangat lagik, HAMBEK KAU!" or "kau memang poyo, kejap dapat, kejap tak. mcm sial je kan tipu2 olang?". i didnt lie. i never lie in such spectra. i juz got twisted. bukan saya yang tulis pejalanan hidup saya kat luh mahfuz ye. i did try everythin a person would ever try. maaf buat sesape yang sentap ngan kontroversi2 yang gua buat.

gua da down enough sampai da tak heran da ape lu orang nak fikir, nak kate, nak ludah ke hape. penat sangat2 dah ngan putus asa. buat la ape nak buat pon.

my peeps, blaja sampai abes. ade orang dapat peluang, senang2 je, tapi buat memaen. blaja memaen pastu failed. sebok cintan2 la, hal2 dunia, pastu fail. bile da dpt peluang. pakai la elok2. goodluck uolls.


special tanx buat ayah ibu trime gua sebusuk2 manusia pon. tanx ayong for the support. tanx hanif, for ur words. i really needed that. thanks abang am. tolong banyak, like, banyak gile, more than i ever can repay u back. tanx daos, bella and ikram, banyak distract gua from probs. tanx kak paj teman i malam2 like almost always tahan maki. thanks yah.

.p.s: MashaAllah! what's next? what to do? whom to be? what's goin to happen? what's up? i dont know. i dont know, really.


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4 ulasan:

zOuL MzMn berkata...

azar nak amik ape nie??..kos ape??..
uitm akan ade kuar tok December intake...ape kate u apply..tapi die kuar bulan 8 nie..so jgn wisau...u masih mude lagi..insyaallah sempat.

Judiene berkata...

aritu dgr2 cm ko dah dpt
hmmm
don't be too disappointed coz God must have another plan for you
always believe in His decision
but yela, ckp lbh sng drp bwat kan
sabar jela..

Bella berkata...

zar.
watever pon.
as ur fren.
alwayz support u.
no matter wat.
dun be sad.
=D

Nurhasyimah Hamzah berkata...

aq fhm apa ko rasa zar;
i REALLY do
aq pun kena reject bnyk kali
klu ko nak menyumpah
sila menyumpah skrg
sbb lepas ni akn jd lebih baik
time2 sedey mcm ni
aq layan anime bleach dulu
senang hati cikit :)
sila cuba
pls n tq
take care zar!